Paul waited until breakfast.
This was an act of extraordinary restraint.
He allowed Jo Mama to eat.
He allowed Luviana to drink tea.
He allowed Madison to finish half a piece of toast.
Then he placed both hands on the table.
“Jimmy.”
Ten-Cent Jimmy looked up.
“Yep?”
“We need to discuss the Portable Hole.”
Jimmy continued chewing.
The Paladin closed her eyes.
Ellie smiled.
Madison quietly moved her breakfast farther from the center of the table.
Jo stopped eating.
“Pocket House meeting.”
“No,” Paul said. “Inventory audit.”
Jimmy stopped chewing.
Paul noticed.
“Oh, that’s concerning.”
Jimmy swallowed.
“Why?”
“Because you looked afraid.”
“Not afraid.”
“Then what’s inside?”
“Stuff.”
“What stuff?”
“Useful stuff.”
Paul stared.
“List it.”
Jimmy looked at his breakfast.
Paul waited.
Jimmy looked at Jo.
Jo shrugged.
“Tell wizard.”
Jimmy sighed.
“Chairs.”
“How many?”
“Some.”
“Number.”
“Depends.”
“On what?”
“Chair definition.”
Paul stood.
“We are opening the Hole.”
“House still there.”
“Good,” Madison said.
Paul looked down.
The tiny stone cottage sat where they’d left it.
Nothing had exploded.
Nothing had collapsed.
Nothing had developed teeth.
Paul considered this an excellent start.
Then he saw the chairs.
Seven were arranged around the table.
Three more were stacked against a wall.
Two broken ones leaned beside the cottage.
Another was upside down on the roof.
Paul stared.
“Why?”
Jimmy climbed down.
“Seating.”
“For whom?”
“People.”
“We have seven people.”
Jimmy nodded.
“Could have more.”
Paul pointed at the seven usable chairs.
“One for each of us. That is enough.”
Jimmy looked unconvinced.
The audit continued.
Twenty-seven left boots.
No right boots.
Paul stared.
“Why?”
Jimmy shrugged.
“Good boots.”
“They are all left.”
“Could find right.”
Madison found a barrel.
“What’s this?”
“Buttons.”
She opened it.
Buttons.
Thousands.
Madison slowly closed it.
“I shouldn’t have asked.”
Luviana found three boxes of medical supplies.
She looked at Jimmy.
“These are actually useful.”
Jimmy nodded.
“Yep.”
Paul pointed.
“See? Keep those.”
Jimmy looked smug.
“This is not validation of the boots.”
Four coils of rope.
Seventeen knives.
Twelve doorstops.
Six blankets.
Three cooking pots.
One brass tube.
A blue candle.
A wagon wheel.
A box labeled:
STRING TOO SHORT TO USE YET
Paul stared at the label.
“Yet?”
Jimmy shrugged.
Then Jo opened a cupboard.
“Boat.”
Paul turned.
“No.”
Jo pulled.
A folded wooden canoe emerged.
Paul stared.
Madison stared.
Ellie stared.
Luviana stared.
The Paladin stared.
Jimmy smiled.
“Emergency canoe.”
Paul’s voice became very quiet.
“You already had an emergency canoe.”
“Second emergency canoe.”
“Why?”
“First could be busy.”
Jo nodded.
“Good thinking.”
Paul pointed at her.
“No.”
“Good goose.”
“Where did it come from?” the Paladin asked.
Jimmy thought.
“Road.”
“Where on the road?”
“Beside house.”
“Was there a sign?”
Jimmy thought longer.
“Maybe.”
The Paladin stared.
The goose moved immediately to:
RETURN TO PROBABLE OWNER.
Jimmy sighed.
The REMOVE pile grew.
Fourteen left boots.
Three broken chairs.
A cracked birdbath.
Two empty barrels.
One wagon wheel.
A fireplace poker.
Jimmy saw the poker.
“No.”
The Paladin looked at him.
“It’s bent.”
“Good poker.”
“What do you use it for?”
Jimmy thought.
“Fire.”
“There is no fireplace.”
Jo looked at the cottage.
“Could add.”
Everyone shouted:
“NO.”
Jimmy took the poker.
“Could need.”
Paul sighed.
“Fine.”
The Paladin looked at him.
“You’re letting him keep it?”
“I need to choose my battles.”
Jimmy put the poker inside the cottage.
This would become important approximately seventeen minutes later.
The first sign of trouble was the window.
Jo noticed.
“Window weird.”
Paul looked.
The cottage’s decorative window frame had previously shown a blanket.
Now it showed darkness.
Not the dark wall of the Portable Hole.
Different darkness.
Moving darkness.
Paul approached.
“No one touch anything.”
Jo immediately clasped her hands behind her back.
Jimmy did the same.
Paul looked through the window.
Something moved.
“That’s impossible.”
Ellie joined him.
“Usually a bad sentence.”
“Yes.”
The darkness rippled.
Then something struck the other side of the window.
BOOM.
Everyone jumped.
The cottage shifted.
“Out,” Paul said.
The floor tilted.
“OUT!”
The opening above them moved sideways.
The Portable Hole was folding.
Paul’s face went white.
“That should not be happening.”
Madison grabbed a shelf.
“Why is it happening?”
“I DON’T KNOW.”
The black walls bent inward.
The opening narrowed.
The cottage slid.
Chairs scattered.
Twenty-seven left boots became airborne.
Jo caught Luviana.
The Paladin caught Madison.
Ellie caught nothing because a boot hit her in the face.
Jimmy caught the barrel of buttons.
Paul stared at him.
“LET IT GO.”
“BUTTONS.”
“JIMMY.”
The opening above them shrank further.
Jo looked up.
“Can jump.”
“Too high!”
“Big Jo?”
Paul froze.
Enlarge.
He could.
But there wasn’t enough room.
“No. You’d crush us.”
Jo nodded immediately.
“Okay.”
No argument.
Paul looked around.
“Think.”
The cottage slammed into the wall.
Its door jammed shut.
Jimmy pointed.
“Poker.”
Paul stared.
“No.”
Jimmy grabbed the bent fireplace poker.
He jammed it into the doorframe.
Pulled.
Nothing.
Jo grabbed the other end.
“Together.”
Jimmy nodded.
They pulled.
CRACK.
The door opened.
Jimmy looked at Paul.
“I knew we’d need it eventually.”
“NOT NOW.”
They ran.
The opening above had become a narrow oval.
Jimmy threw rope.
It missed.
Ellie caught it.
Threw again.
The Paladin caught it.
Still nothing above to anchor it.
Jo grabbed the rope.
“Jo throw.”
Paul looked at her.
Then upward.
“Yes.”
Jo threw.
Not Paul.
The rope sailed through the opening.
Caught on a heavy root above.
Held.
Ellie climbed first.
Then Madison.
Luviana.
The Paladin.
Jimmy.
Paul.
Jo remained below.
The opening narrowed.
Paul leaned over.
“JO!”
“Coming!”
She climbed.
The walls folded inward.
The Pocket House tilted beneath her.
The emergency canoe slid past.
Jo caught it with one hand.
Paul stared.
“LEAVE THE CANOE!”
“EMERGENCY!”
“THIS IS THE EMERGENCY!”
Jo looked at the canoe.
Then at Paul.
She let it go.
“Good!” Paul shouted.
Jo climbed.
Hands grabbed her wrists.
Paul.
Ellie.
The Paladin.
Madison.
Jimmy.
Luviana.
Together they pulled.
Jo came through.
The Portable Hole snapped shut.
Silence.
Everyone lay in the grass.
Paul breathed.
Once.
Twice.
Then:
“Everyone alive?”
“Yes.”
“Yep.”
“Unfortunately,” Ellie said.
Madison laughed weakly.
Jo sat up.
“House?”
Paul stared at her.
“No.”
Jo looked at the folded Hole.
“House.”
“Jo.”
“Need check.”
Paul sat up.
“We built a house inside something designed to store equipment.”
Jo waited.
“We filled that house with furniture.”
Jimmy raised a finger.
“Useful furniture.”
Paul ignored him.
“We are substantially outside the intended use of this magical item.”
Madison looked at the folded cloth.
“So what caused it?”
Paul exhaled.
“I don’t know.”
That silenced everyone.
He continued.
“Maybe the weight. Maybe the structure. Maybe the amount of material. Maybe something about building permanent architecture inside extradimensional storage.”
Jimmy looked at the Hole.
“Maybe boots.”
Paul considered.
“I am unwilling to rule out the boots.”
They waited an hour.
Then reopened the Hole.
Carefully.
Outside.
With ropes.
Nobody inside.
The Pocket House remained standing.
Crooked.
Battered.
One wall cracked.
The roof shifted.
The seven good chairs survived.
Then the second emergency canoe floated out by itself.
Nobody spoke.
It landed in the grass.
Jimmy looked at Paul.
Paul pointed.
“No.”
They spent the rest of the day cleaning.
The Portable Hole became storage again.
Mostly.
The Pocket House remained, but with strict limits.
No excessive weight.
No unnecessary junk.
No mysterious architecture.
No additions without Paul’s approval.
No Bags of Holding.
Ever.
Jimmy kept six left boots.
Paul did not ask why those six survived the purge.
The button barrel remained.
The fireplace poker remained.
Both emergency canoes remained.
The Paladin personally returned the ceramic goose in the green hat to the farmhouse beside the road.
The farmer stared.
“I wondered where that went.”
The Paladin slowly turned toward Jimmy.
Jimmy examined a cloud.
By sunset, they repaired the cottage.
Inside stood exactly seven chairs.
One for Jo.
One for Paul.
One for Ellie.
One for Jimmy.
One for the Paladin.
One for Luviana.
One for Madison.
Jo looked around.
“Good house.”
Paul looked too.
It was ridiculous.
Dangerous.
Almost certainly not what the creator of the Portable Hole had intended.
The window still looked nowhere.
The roof was removable.
The shelves were uneven.
One wall had a crack.
Jimmy’s labels were everywhere.
There were six unmatched left boots in a corner.
Paul sighed.
“Good house.”
Jo smiled.
Jo sat cross-legged on the floor because the chairs did not particularly enjoy her.
Luviana leaned against the wall.
Ellie sharpened a dagger.
Madison wrote.
The Paladin read.
Jimmy reorganized a shelf.
Paul sat at the table.
Outside the Hole, rain fell across the road.
Inside, lantern light warmed the little stone room.
Jo looked around.
“Party house.”
Madison smiled.
“Yes.”
“Everybody chair.”
Paul looked at the seven chairs.
“Yes.”
Jimmy stopped reorganizing.
“Could need more.”
Everyone shouted:
“NO.”
Jimmy smiled.
Jo laughed.
Paul tried not to.
Failed.
And the Pocket House-condemned by common sense, magical theory, architectural principles, and at least one wizard-remained standing.