The king assigned them a bard.
This was how Paul described it.
The king assigned them a handler.
This was how Ellie described it.
The king assigned them a babysitter.
This was how Jo Mama described it.
Madison described it differently.
“I have been asked,” she said carefully, “to accompany your party as a diplomatic liaison, official chronicler, and representative of the Crown.”
Jo nodded.
“Babysitter.”
“No.”
“Fancy babysitter.”
“No.”
“Musical babysitter?”
Madison closed her eyes.
Paul leaned toward her.
“Do not engage. It gives the idea structure.”
Madison opened her eyes.
“I was told you were the sensible one.”
Paul stared at her.
“Who told you that?”
“King Aldric.”
Paul looked genuinely betrayed.
Madison was a high elf.
Tall.
Graceful.
Beautifully dressed.
Her traveling clothes were deep green and gold, her long hair neatly arranged, and the lute across her back looked like it had never once been used to strike a goblin.
Jo distrusted this immediately.
“Can lute bonk?”
Madison stared.
“It can play music.”
“Could also bonk.”
“It will not.”
Jo looked at Paul.
“Elf strict.”
Luviana smiled.
“You get used to us.”
Madison turned.
Her expression softened with immediate relief.
“Luviana.”
“Madison.”
They embraced.
Paul looked between them.
“You know each other?”
“High elf,” Jo said.
Paul stared at her.
“That is not how elves work.”
Jo pointed.
“They know.”
Madison laughed despite herself.
“They do not all know one another, Jo.”
Jo thought.
“These two do.”
Paul sighed.
“Technically correct. Worst kind of correct.”
The assignment came directly from King Aldric.
Not because the party was in trouble.
Officially.
The king had emphasized this.
Repeatedly.
The party had performed valuable service for the Crown.
They had saved Greyhaven.
Prevented an assassination.
Recovered the Shadow Key.
Delivered diplomatic correspondence through pirates, a storm, and a kraken.
They had also accumulated:
One tavern ban.
One wanted poster.
One damaged royal ballroom.
One damaged roof.
One royal-vessel navigation review.
And a growing collection of reports containing the phrase:
JO MAMA HAS AN IDEA.
King Aldric believed the party needed someone who could represent them accurately.
Paul believed this was fair.
Jo believed they were being spied on.
Jimmy asked whether Madison came with inventory.
Ellie asked whether Madison knew what she was agreeing to.
The Paladin looked relieved.
Luviana looked entertained.
Madison believed she knew exactly what she was agreeing to.
This lasted approximately twelve minutes.
A trade delegation from Westmere had arrived to negotiate grain prices.
King Aldric wanted the party present because they had recently traveled the northern roads and could speak to bandit activity.
Madison would handle the formal discussion.
Nobody needed to fight anything.
Nobody needed to steal anything.
Nobody needed to infiltrate anything.
Nobody needed to drive anything.
Paul almost cried.
Before the meeting, Madison gathered them in a palace antechamber.
“One rule.”
Jo raised her hand.
Madison hesitated.
“Yes?”
“Only one?”
Madison looked at Paul.
Paul shrugged.
“Optimistic.”
Madison continued.
“While we are in the negotiation chamber, please allow me to speak unless someone asks you a direct question.”
Jo nodded.
“Easy.”
Jimmy nodded.
Ellie nodded.
The Paladin nodded.
Luviana smiled.
Paul looked hopeful.
Madison opened the doors.
The Westmere delegation entered.
Lord Fenrick.
Lady Hest.
Two merchants.
Three advisors.
A clerk.
And a very nervous young man carrying several ledgers.
Madison greeted them flawlessly.
Introductions began.
“Paul, wizard and arcane consultant.”
Paul bowed.
“Ellie Bobnobbin, reconnaissance and security specialist.”
Ellie nodded.
“Ten-Cent Jimmy, logistics and inventory.”
Jimmy looked delighted.
Nobody had ever introduced him that way before.
“Our Paladin, primary moral and legal counsel.”
The Paladin smiled.
“Luviana Starwhisper, healer and diplomatic support.”
Luviana smiled at one of the merchants.
The merchant forgot how chairs worked.
Madison noticed.
Then:
“And Jo Mama.”
Jo stood.
Madison waited.
Jo waited.
Lord Fenrick waited.
Everyone waited.
Madison realized she needed more.
“Hero of Greyhaven.”
Jo grinned.
“Also Captain.”
Paul coughed violently.
Madison looked at him.
Paul shook his head.
“Emergency helmswoman.”
Jo whispered:
“Captain.”
Madison continued.
“Hero of Greyhaven.”
Jo accepted this.
The negotiations began.
Madison was excellent.
Jo noticed.
Not flashy.
Not magical.
Madison listened.
Remembered names.
Noticed when someone avoided a question.
Changed subjects before arguments hardened.
Used humor without making anyone feel foolish.
When Lord Fenrick exaggerated the danger on the northern road to justify a higher grain price, Madison did not accuse him of lying.
She simply asked:
“Which portion of the northern road concerns you most?”
Fenrick hesitated.
“The Blackridge crossing.”
Jo raised her hand.
Madison looked at her.
Jo pointed at herself.
Madison sighed.
“Yes, Jo?”
“Blackridge safe.”
Fenrick frowned.
“Our reports indicate-”
“Went there.”
Madison looked at Jo.
“When?”
“Last week.”
Paul whispered:
“Technically nine days.”
Jo continued.
“Bridge fixed. Bandits gone. Big pothole.”
Jimmy nodded.
“Very big.”
Fenrick looked at Jimmy.
Jimmy spread his hands.
“About goat.”
Madison paused.
“Goat-sized?”
Jimmy nodded.
Fenrick shuffled his papers.
Madison smiled.
“Then perhaps we can revise the transportation-risk estimate.”
Paul stared.
Jo leaned toward him.
“Jo diplomacy.”
Madison heard.
“Yes, actually.”
Jo brightened.
The meeting lasted two hours.
Nobody fought.
Nobody stole anything.
Nobody was thrown.
The grain agreement was signed.
Paul nearly hugged Madison.
Then Jimmy found the chair.
It was a perfectly ordinary chair.
Wooden.
Carved.
Comfortable.
Jimmy turned it over.
“Good chair.”
The Paladin’s head snapped around.
“No.”
“Looking.”
“You are evaluating it.”
“Yep.”
“For what?”
Jimmy shrugged.
“Could need chair.”
Madison stared.
Paul quietly said:
“Welcome.”
Jimmy did not steal the chair.
This should be emphasized.
He merely became emotionally attached to it.
Unfortunately, Jo noticed.
Later, when the delegation had gone and the palace servants began resetting the room, Madison found Jo walking down the corridor carrying the chair.
Jimmy followed behind her.
Madison stopped.
“No.”
Jo stopped.
“Jimmy likes.”
“I gathered.”
“Not stealing.”
“You are carrying palace furniture away from the palace.”
“Borrowing.”
Jimmy nodded.
“Temporary relocation.”
Madison looked at Paul.
Paul looked delighted.
“Your problem now.”
Madison pointed back toward the negotiation chamber.
“Return the chair.”
Jo sighed.
Jimmy sighed.
The chair was returned.
Palace chairs stolen:
Zero.
Madison considered this a successful first day.
That evening, she reviewed the Crown’s existing reports.
This took longer than expected.
Greyhaven:
JO MAMA SINGLE-HANDEDLY DEFEATED FIVE HUNDRED SOLDIERS.
Madison crossed it out.
She wrote:
Jo Mama played a decisive role in the defense of Greyhaven alongside the party and approximately eighty defenders.
Royal Ball:
JO MAMA STOLE A CHANDELIER.
Crossed out.
Jo Mama was legally gifted one chandelier crystal after an unrelated chandelier was destroyed during the apprehension of Lord Daven.
Sea of Storms:
JO MAMA COMMANDEERED ROYAL VESSEL.
Crossed out.
Jo Mama assumed emergency control of the Crown’s Wake under Captain Marrow’s authorization and successfully navigated the vessel through an active combat and weather emergency.
Paul read over her shoulder.
“I like you.”
Madison smiled.
“I know.”
“No. I mean professionally.”
“Of course.”
Jo leaned over Madison’s other shoulder.
“Write Captain.”
“No.”
“Accurate.”
“Emergency helmswoman is accurate.”
“Captain more accurate.”
Paul pointed at Madison’s page.
“Do not surrender.”
Madison did not.
Over the next several days, she learned things the Crown’s reports had failed to mention.
Jimmy carried emergency jerky.
Ellie’s terrible rolls were not an accurate reflection of her actual competence.
The Paladin could be convinced to participate in questionable plans if the plans were, in fact, lawful.
Luviana was considerably more dangerous than her job title suggested.
Paul complained constantly because he cared constantly.
And Jo Mama had two kinds of silence.
The first meant:
Jo is thinking.
The second meant:
Something hurt.
The distinction was subtle.
Madison noticed anyway.
A merchant made the mistake of teaching her.
They were buying supplies when he recognized Jo.
“Hero of Greyhaven?”
Jo grinned.
“Yep.”
He looked her up and down.
“Huh.”
Jo’s grin stayed.
The merchant laughed.
“You’re less impressive than the songs make you sound.”
Jo laughed too.
Too quickly.
Too loudly.
“Songs lie. Jo mostly snacks.”
The merchant laughed again and left.
Jo immediately started examining a barrel as though it had become extremely interesting.
Madison waited.
Then walked over.
“You know you don’t have to make the joke first.”
Jo looked at her.
“What?”
“The joke about yourself.”
Jo shrugged.
“Jo likes jokes.”
“I know.”
Madison leaned against the wall.
“But sometimes you make them before anyone else gets the chance to decide what they think of you.”
Jo went quiet.
The second kind.
Madison did not push.
After a moment, Jimmy appeared.
He handed Jo jerky.
Jo took it.
Then he offered Madison some.
She took that too.
Peppered.
Very good.
Madison looked at Jimmy.
“Emergency?”
Jimmy nodded.
“Always.”
Madison packed the rest.
Jo noticed.
“Bard.”
“Yes?”
“You stay.”
Madison smiled.
“We’ll see.”
The next day, eight bandits blocked the road.
Jo reached for her weapon.
The Paladin raised her shield.
Ellie disappeared.
Paul began casting.
Madison stepped forward.
“Wait.”
Everyone waited.
Mostly because they were curious.
The bandit leader pointed a sword.
“Purses. Weapons. Supplies.”
Madison looked at the eight men.
Then at Jo.
Then Paul.
Then the Paladin.
Then the empty place where Ellie had been.
Then Luviana.
Then Jimmy, who was quietly selecting something from his bag.
Madison turned back to the bandits.
“Before you commit to this, I feel professionally obligated to explain what happens next.”
The leader frowned.
“What?”
She pointed toward Jo.
“She helped break an army at Greyhaven.”
Jo waved.
Madison pointed at Paul.
“He can set you on fire from farther away than you can reliably shoot him.”
Paul nodded.
“The Paladin will offer you surrender exactly once.”
The Paladin nodded.
“Luviana can put our people back together after you hurt them.”
Luviana smiled.
“And somewhere nearby is Ellie.”
The bandits looked around.
Ellie was nowhere visible.
Madison continued.
“Jimmy has something in that bag. I don’t know what it is. Neither do you. Frankly, that concerns me more than anything else.”
Jimmy held up a length of chain.
“Could need.”
Madison looked back at the bandits.
“So. You can attack us.”
She smiled pleasantly.
“Or you can put the weapons down, walk away, and spend the rest of your lives telling people about the extremely intelligent decision you made today.”
Silence.
The leader looked at Jo.
Jo smiled.
He looked at the Paladin.
She raised one eyebrow.
He looked around for Ellie.
Still nothing.
His sword hit the road.
The others followed.
Jo stared at Madison.
“Bard defeated eight.”
“I talked.”
“Eight.”
“They surrendered.”
“BARD BONK.”
“No.”
“Word bonk.”
Madison considered.
“…I hate that I understand what you mean.”
At camp that night, Madison wrote her report.
Jo sat nearby.
For a while, neither spoke.
Then:
“Why really here?”
Madison looked up.
“I told you.”
“Crown.”
“Yes.”
“Babysitter.”
“No.”
Jo waited.
Madison sighed.
“A little.”
Jo smiled.
Madison continued.
“King Aldric wanted someone who could make sure the Crown understood what actually happened when reports involving your party arrived.”
“Babysitter.”
“A little.”
“And now?”
Madison looked around the camp.
Paul had fallen asleep over a book.
The Paladin had covered him with a blanket.
Ellie was trying to teach Jimmy why knives required categories.
Luviana was quietly moving Jimmy’s labels when he wasn’t looking.
Jo waited.
Madison smiled.
“Now I’m curious what happens next.”
Jo nodded.
“Usually something dumb.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“Still coming?”
“Yes.”
Jo smiled.
“Good.”
“Ready.”
Jo nodded.
Then handed her a packet of peppered jerky.
Madison looked at it.
“What’s this?”
“Emergency.”
“For what?”
Jo shrugged.
“Don’t know yet.”
Madison put it in her pack.
Jimmy nodded approvingly.
“Could need.”
Madison paused.
Then nodded.
“Could need.”
Paul looked up sharply.
“No.”
Jo gasped.
“BARD LEARNING!”
Paul pointed at Madison.
“Do not let them infect you.”
Madison smiled.
“Too late.”
They started down the road.
Nobody voted.
Nobody signed anything.
Nobody declared Madison an official member of the party.
She simply walked with them.
And when Jo counted heads before they left the campsite, she counted one more.